This week’s post ran into a thick wall of depression yesterday. I tried scratching through but gave it up for Never Let Me Go, napping, and lesson planning. This is as much as I squeezed out, and I imagine it will return next week in some form:
Depression strong today. Weep-weep message posted on Facebook. I’m starting this post late.
I’m wondering today if I create my own loneliness. Of course I do. I can see the pattern, it is plain, I’m living it, as I have so many times before; and I’m living it because I’m me and despite how run, I’m still right behind. Hello, there you are. Here we are.
I haven’t slept well the past two weeks. Despite having early release school days and no lesson plans, exam week was exhausting.
My roommate talks and talks and talks empty words about subjects I care nothing about (calories, weight, washing her hair or clothes, gossip, how she’s gotten nothing done, men are bastards, you’re going to bed now?!), or she talks of nothing, but anything so she is the center of attention, and I lose my place on a page, the thought I am chasing for a lesson, the quiet I’ve tucked into. I smile a smile that reads complicity but is really communicating a Will you please shut up? And while I like to think I have a lot of compassion, empathy, and sympathy, especially when I can see her vast insecurity, I find my abilities being stretched. Home is supposed to be where I can take off everything that is not me.
She and another volunteer plan to go to Guatemala for Christmas break. Initially I was to go—hiking! volcanoes!—but since the itinerary includes significant partying, I’ve decided to find my own way solo. Nothing against a party, I do enjoy some bouncing around to happily frantic beats, but I prefer the company of people I trust. You know, every place you go will probably be just one big party, theresa, the message being that I should just suck it up and deal. The message being that I’m unrealistic, that I’m an ill-formed snotball. It’s just as well. By the end of Copan I wanted to be as far from her as I could. We don’t play on the same of side of most teams.
I was afraid of this, a reliving of college dorm life. But when I settled on working here and having to live in this situation, I figured I was older, had had enough therapy, and, for better or worse, this would just be another element of the adventure. Oh, and did I mention that our third roommate arrives soon?
[to be continued…]
P.S. Those are some delicious donuts I enjoyed at Donut Friend in L.A. The dark one is chocolate with mint filling. It’s vegan!
Your are a crystal gem of a myriad beautiful snowflakes.
Your teammate, Mike.
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Maybe the only difference is now you have a blog. You can write out into a world of your own making, one you can see clearly. Many many people spend their holidays alone because their own company is the best company. Alone is not the same as lonely, and when a person is craving time to think, to write, to create, to dance like no one is watching, what better than to arrange that time?
I have no issue with spending the holidays alone. I’ve done it many times. I just get irked by the attitude that there is something wrong with me, and when I’m feeling vulnerable, it hurts more. Yes, I do look forward to having solo time. I also think loneliness springs from wanting connection but not being able to find it.